Remus Lupin (remusmoonylupin) wrote,
Remus Lupin
remusmoonylupin

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[Private]

I got an owl from Sirius. We ran into each other in the library the other night, and, although I can't say we talked, we did exchange mostly unheated words. I know how stubborn he can be, I've just never been the target of it before, and I'm not sure how to fix things.

I'm not looking for some big apology. I just want him to look me in the eye and tell me that he knows that it was wrong. Even if it had been someone else, someone I hated, too, someone who deserves to die in that horrible way, a murderer or something... it still would have meant someone's blood on my hands, even if I miraculously managed to escape blame. I would have been responsible for someone's death.

That he knew it was someone I didn't hate, that he vented his childish anger for something as stupid as having exchanged pranks and insults and humiliations...

But you can't always judge someone else by what you would do. I know I've had to stifle my own anger, suppress it unnaturally, for fear of drawing attention to myself. All my reactions to things are skewed by that. How can I know what might be normal levels of impulsiveness? He as much as said he regretted it. A big step for him.

If only this all hadn't happened. And I still keep coming back to the thought that if I'd trusted Severus, and told him, none of it would have happened.

I just want my friends back.

[/Private]
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